Parenting from the Heart or Head?
by Jackie Kosednar
Because of the abundance of parenting myths—especially
in our society—parents are some of the guiltiest
people on the planet.
With my first two kids, I studied parenting like
crazy, trying to apply all the rules that the professionals
recommended. Like most of us, I tried very hard to
do it ‘right’ and be a ‘good’
parent. After all, society tells us that if we do
it right, our children will be successful contributing
members of society. But guess what? This is just not
true; in fact, it’s a huge myth. Who has ever
‘done it right’ anyway? Because of the
abundance of parenting myths—especially in our
society—parents are some of the guiltiest people
on the planet.
Part of the problem of applying those ‘good
parent’ rules to every child is that many times
they simply don’t work. Society’s rules—and
many rules of psychology—are generalized, as
if they can apply to all children. And yet children
are not all the same; each is a unique individual.
As such, they don’t all act or respond alike.
Some children are born wise while others are dense.
Some are responsible and others couldn’t care
less about being responsible. Some are naturally afraid
and still others are restless and risk-taking. Obedient
children are easy to parent, but willful ones can
drive you crazy. So, how can you ever treat them equally?
To top it off, the professionals have changed the
rules dramatically since I started the whole parenting
thing. Of course, the rules are always changing.
Since I was basically abandoned and neglected as
a child, I had no role modeling to fall back upon.
I thus overcompensated in many ways in an effort to
never abandon or neglect my children. At times I became
a control freak to keep it all together. Still, when
I abandoned them emotionally, I felt the intense guilt
set in.
We all make mistakes. And because of that, it’s
important for us to see that there really are no perfect
parents.
I admit that I am not, by nature, a good parent.
It is amazing that I’ve had so many children
and we’ve all stumbled along reasonably well.
Through parenting experience, and working with people’s
psychological problems in session, I’ve often
wondered: why can you do it all wrong and have your
children turn out right? Or how can you do it all
right and have them come out wrong?
One big way you can beat all the parenting illusions
and compensate for your weaknesses at the same time
is to throw out all the parenting books. Instead,
begin to parent from the heart. Believe me, this is
not an easy task.
Parenting from the heart requires a conscious person
who sees each child as different and relates to them
accordingly. I love to run Human Design charts on
families and show parents their child’s character
and their own character on paper. So many times parents
can then relax. They didn’t make their child
the way they are—the Universe did.
Not only is each child different, each parent is
different. Accepting your shortcomings as well as
your gifts helps your children do the same. Uniqueness
comes from imperfection. It is better to stop pretending
that perfection is possible and just be yourself;
give yourself permission to make mistakes like we
all do.
We are so socially conditioned to parent from the
head and follow rules that we often ignore our intuition
and our heart when it comes to our children. Natural
instinct (intuition) is frowned upon as not reliable.
The professionals know best; do it their way. That
myth has caused more pain and heartache to parents
and children than we can imagine. It amazes me that
people will take the advice of an “expert”
even if that expert doesn’t have children!
Only you really know your children, you know what
is right for them. Tune into your own heart and let
it lead in your interactions with your kids. See if
that makes a difference. If you come from a space
of love, abuse becomes impossible. Love and abuse
cannot co-exist. Love is an energy, a frequency, a
vibrational force that can feed our children like
good food.
Parenting from the heart sounds easy, but it isn’t.
Egos have their own agenda. The heart is much quieter
than the ego. Egos are loud and insist that the mind
backs them up. The heart is quiet and depends more
on the Soul. The heart doesn’t think; rather,
it feels and sees. It sees the uniqueness of each
child and plays to that. It recognizes their needs
and their gifts and nurtures them. Without thought,
it knows what is right - in that instance - with that
child. The heart sees the perfection in each child,
even if that perfection is composed of imperfection.
And this is what makes a child grow with self-esteem:
to be accepted and recognized for who he or she really
is.
Even if you know that you are not a good parent
by nature, it can all turn out okay.
To practice parenting from the heart, tune into
your consciousness to see where you are coming from.
If you find yourself in an ego state, being abusive
or controlling or doing whatever your ego does, take
a breath. Allow yourself to consciously shift into
love. Ask yourself: “What would love do?”
Wait for all the uppity emotions to calm down. There
is no clarity in emotional storms; acting from a strong
emotional state leads to an over- reaction. Allow
a calm wave to transport you from ego to heart. Know
that with practice it becomes easier and easier.
Did I mention that you also need to trust your heart?
Most of us don’t. At the same time, trusting
our heart doesn’t mean abandoning our ego. We
all need ego for survival so don’t try to get
rid of it. Make friends with your ego as you put the
heart in the lead. Like mom and dad, both heart and
ego are necessary. We just need to lead with the heart.
After all, that’s what makes a person conscious
or not. So why not be a conscious parent? Lead with
your heart.
