[ Return to Articles ]

Parenting from the Heart or Head?

by Jackie Kosednar

Because of the abundance of parenting myths—especially in our society—parents are some of the guiltiest people on the planet.

With my first two kids, I studied parenting like crazy, trying to apply all the rules that the professionals recommended. Like most of us, I tried very hard to do it ‘right’ and be a ‘good’ parent. After all, society tells us that if we do it right, our children will be successful contributing members of society. But guess what? This is just not true; in fact, it’s a huge myth. Who has ever ‘done it right’ anyway? Because of the abundance of parenting myths—especially in our society—parents are some of the guiltiest people on the planet.

Part of the problem of applying those ‘good parent’ rules to every child is that many times they simply don’t work. Society’s rules—and many rules of psychology—are generalized, as if they can apply to all children. And yet children are not all the same; each is a unique individual. As such, they don’t all act or respond alike. Some children are born wise while others are dense. Some are responsible and others couldn’t care less about being responsible. Some are naturally afraid and still others are restless and risk-taking. Obedient children are easy to parent, but willful ones can drive you crazy. So, how can you ever treat them equally?

To top it off, the professionals have changed the rules dramatically since I started the whole parenting thing. Of course, the rules are always changing.

Since I was basically abandoned and neglected as a child, I had no role modeling to fall back upon. I thus overcompensated in many ways in an effort to never abandon or neglect my children. At times I became a control freak to keep it all together. Still, when I abandoned them emotionally, I felt the intense guilt set in.

We all make mistakes. And because of that, it’s important for us to see that there really are no perfect parents.

I admit that I am not, by nature, a good parent. It is amazing that I’ve had so many children and we’ve all stumbled along reasonably well. Through parenting experience, and working with people’s psychological problems in session, I’ve often wondered: why can you do it all wrong and have your children turn out right? Or how can you do it all right and have them come out wrong?

One big way you can beat all the parenting illusions and compensate for your weaknesses at the same time is to throw out all the parenting books. Instead, begin to parent from the heart. Believe me, this is not an easy task.

Parenting from the heart requires a conscious person who sees each child as different and relates to them accordingly. I love to run Human Design charts on families and show parents their child’s character and their own character on paper. So many times parents can then relax. They didn’t make their child the way they are—the Universe did.

Not only is each child different, each parent is different. Accepting your shortcomings as well as your gifts helps your children do the same. Uniqueness comes from imperfection. It is better to stop pretending that perfection is possible and just be yourself; give yourself permission to make mistakes like we all do.

We are so socially conditioned to parent from the head and follow rules that we often ignore our intuition and our heart when it comes to our children. Natural instinct (intuition) is frowned upon as not reliable. The professionals know best; do it their way. That myth has caused more pain and heartache to parents and children than we can imagine. It amazes me that people will take the advice of an “expert” even if that expert doesn’t have children!

Only you really know your children, you know what is right for them. Tune into your own heart and let it lead in your interactions with your kids. See if that makes a difference. If you come from a space of love, abuse becomes impossible. Love and abuse cannot co-exist. Love is an energy, a frequency, a vibrational force that can feed our children like good food.

Parenting from the heart sounds easy, but it isn’t. Egos have their own agenda. The heart is much quieter than the ego. Egos are loud and insist that the mind backs them up. The heart is quiet and depends more on the Soul. The heart doesn’t think; rather, it feels and sees. It sees the uniqueness of each child and plays to that. It recognizes their needs and their gifts and nurtures them. Without thought, it knows what is right - in that instance - with that child. The heart sees the perfection in each child, even if that perfection is composed of imperfection. And this is what makes a child grow with self-esteem: to be accepted and recognized for who he or she really is.

Even if you know that you are not a good parent by nature, it can all turn out okay.

To practice parenting from the heart, tune into your consciousness to see where you are coming from. If you find yourself in an ego state, being abusive or controlling or doing whatever your ego does, take a breath. Allow yourself to consciously shift into love. Ask yourself: “What would love do?” Wait for all the uppity emotions to calm down. There is no clarity in emotional storms; acting from a strong emotional state leads to an over- reaction. Allow a calm wave to transport you from ego to heart. Know that with practice it becomes easier and easier.

Did I mention that you also need to trust your heart? Most of us don’t. At the same time, trusting our heart doesn’t mean abandoning our ego. We all need ego for survival so don’t try to get rid of it. Make friends with your ego as you put the heart in the lead. Like mom and dad, both heart and ego are necessary. We just need to lead with the heart. After all, that’s what makes a person conscious or not. So why not be a conscious parent? Lead with your heart.