How to Raise Self-Esteem
by Jackie Kosednar
Praise, validation and acceptance are the things
that make any person feel good..
The collective goal for most parents is to raise
healthy, happy children who will eventually become
good contributing members of society. Parents want
their children to excel so they can be proud of them
and feel like good parents. But often it doesn’t
turn out that way.
The ‘Criticize to Improve’ Dynamic
Everyone is conditioned and taught by the society
they were raised in. Some of us learned that the way
to keep our children on the straight and narrow path
to success is to point out their faults and punish
their mistakes. We criticize in an effort to improve,
correct, and mold them. We point out character defects
and expect them to fix it. We decide what their future
should look like and encourage them to aim high. This
is what good parents do. This dynamic is supposed
to build character and good behavior into us. But
it doesn’t work.
Instead, what the ‘criticize to improve’
dynamic does is to program a subliminal message into
the mind of the child that slowly destroys natural
self-esteem. The message says, "you aren’t
good enough as you are." This message plays almost
daily, year after year. Thus, natural skills, values
and perception of life are gradually suppressed while
the non-natural critical voice develops. The critical
voice inside the mind can run our lives long after
the critical parent is no longer a physical force
in our life.
Through criticism, the authentic self gets covered
up with facades, masks, compensations and secrets
in the child’s effort to be what the parents
want. We are pulled away from our natural movement
through life, and encouraged to go in the way others
think we should go. However, it won’t be healthy
for us because it’s not our way. Out of love
for, and dependency on their parents, children will
try to become what they think parents want them to
be, or think they should be, and the disease of self-hate
begins. The irony is, it is misplaced self-hate. We
don’t hate the real self; we hate the false
self we have become in order to please others, and
the life that supports that falseness.
Worthiness
The parent determines the inner worth a child feels.
Most people can’t like themselves any more than
their parents liked them. Since all of us have the
criticize to improve dynamic going on to some degree,
it has now become a subliminal world message. The
media bombards us with the ‘not good enough’
message through advertising. The movies show us super
beautiful people living false lives. Achievement is
valued very highly in our society. It combats the
feeling of worthlessness that plagues a criticized
human being.
We enter the achievement race to ‘get ahead’
early in life. Like the rat going round the wheel,
we achieve to prove our worth but it doesn’t
work. We keep striving for more achievement, trying
to be good enough for the invisible them—now
only in our heads. Later in life, this can become
a downward spiral into depression. Somehow we can
never measure up. Our natural talents and abilities,
the gifts we are designed to give to the world that
would fulfill us, are suppressed. So our lives are
frustrating and unfulfilling.
We don’t have to buy into and accept the ‘not
good enough’ message. To raise self-esteem in
children, or anyone, it is important that we stop
perpetuating the ‘criticize to improve’
dynamic. The trick is to reverse it. Point out your
child’s strengths and natural interests and
focus on those. Encourage them to explore their own
interests, even if they’re not yours. By pointing
out their strengths, not weaknesses, and having a
different attitude about mistakes, you help them feel
validated and good about themselves. Encouraging their
interests helps them find their natural direction
in life.
Subliminal Messages
Another way to build self-esteem is to watch the other
subliminal messages you give to your child. To catch
subliminal messages, look at the meaning behind the
words. Many things are implied, not direct suggestions.
Making them feel guilty, as a way to control, will
lower self-esteem and make them fearful. We often
manipulate children and loved ones by the energy behind
our words. Anytime we want to manipulate someone into
thinking our way or doing it our way, we are taking
away their right to be who they are.
We are very aware of our parent’s expectations,
even if they never verbalize them. With all loved
ones, the practice becomes one of giving up expectations.
If we don’t surrender our expectations, they
will become subliminal messages.
The Way of the World
We are taught that everyone makes his or her own way
in life, but this just isn’t true. We are all
very different and unique. Our essence expresses itself
as personality. Some of us sparkle. Some of us are
quiet. Everyone has his or her own natural direction
and purpose to fulfill for collective mankind. Call
it destiny or dharma. There are powerful natural forces
moving us all. Life has plans for us. We can’t
do-be-have anything that takes our fancy, unless we
want to be unhappy and struggle. We don’t decide
exactly how our life will go. Instead we co-create
with life along certain lines—living and developing
the potentials that have been given to us. We have
all been given more potential than we can actualize
in a lifetime. How we develop our potential (or not)
is up to us.
Letting your children know that they have a contribution
to make and a purpose for being here validates their
existence and fosters their individuality. In this
way they will naturally find their path and move in
the direction that is correct for them. It also helps
them stay strong in their resolve when peer pressure
or world thought tries to condition them away from
themselves.
Praise, validation and acceptance are the things
that make any person feel good. When mistakes happen,
parents can still validate and accept the child instead
of criticizing or punishing them. All human beings
make mistakes; this is the way we learn valuable lessons
we couldn’t have learned otherwise. To disapprove
of someone because they made a mistake, tells them
they should not have made it, and takes their valuable
lessons away from them. Whenever the child makes a
mistake the best response is, “What did you
learn?”
We can all build self-esteem in each other. The same
thing that builds self-esteem in children also builds
it in our mates and everyone around us.
One Final Note
Criticizing to improve is a natural phenomena that
helps us survive as a race, and is strongly present
in many people. If you are critical by nature, a natural
trouble-shooter, and see everything that is not perfect,
or that is out of place, know that this gift belongs
in your work place. Don’t use it on your loved
ones. It’s not your job to fix them.
