[ Return to Articles ]

How to Raise Self-Esteem

by Jackie Kosednar

Praise, validation and acceptance are the things that make any person feel good..

The collective goal for most parents is to raise healthy, happy children who will eventually become good contributing members of society. Parents want their children to excel so they can be proud of them and feel like good parents. But often it doesn’t turn out that way.

The ‘Criticize to Improve’ Dynamic
Everyone is conditioned and taught by the society they were raised in. Some of us learned that the way to keep our children on the straight and narrow path to success is to point out their faults and punish their mistakes. We criticize in an effort to improve, correct, and mold them. We point out character defects and expect them to fix it. We decide what their future should look like and encourage them to aim high. This is what good parents do. This dynamic is supposed to build character and good behavior into us. But it doesn’t work.

Instead, what the ‘criticize to improve’ dynamic does is to program a subliminal message into the mind of the child that slowly destroys natural self-esteem. The message says, "you aren’t good enough as you are." This message plays almost daily, year after year. Thus, natural skills, values and perception of life are gradually suppressed while the non-natural critical voice develops. The critical voice inside the mind can run our lives long after the critical parent is no longer a physical force in our life.

Through criticism, the authentic self gets covered up with facades, masks, compensations and secrets in the child’s effort to be what the parents want. We are pulled away from our natural movement through life, and encouraged to go in the way others think we should go. However, it won’t be healthy for us because it’s not our way. Out of love for, and dependency on their parents, children will try to become what they think parents want them to be, or think they should be, and the disease of self-hate begins. The irony is, it is misplaced self-hate. We don’t hate the real self; we hate the false self we have become in order to please others, and the life that supports that falseness.

Worthiness
The parent determines the inner worth a child feels. Most people can’t like themselves any more than their parents liked them. Since all of us have the criticize to improve dynamic going on to some degree, it has now become a subliminal world message. The media bombards us with the ‘not good enough’ message through advertising. The movies show us super beautiful people living false lives. Achievement is valued very highly in our society. It combats the feeling of worthlessness that plagues a criticized human being.

We enter the achievement race to ‘get ahead’ early in life. Like the rat going round the wheel, we achieve to prove our worth but it doesn’t work. We keep striving for more achievement, trying to be good enough for the invisible them—now only in our heads. Later in life, this can become a downward spiral into depression. Somehow we can never measure up. Our natural talents and abilities, the gifts we are designed to give to the world that would fulfill us, are suppressed. So our lives are frustrating and unfulfilling.

We don’t have to buy into and accept the ‘not good enough’ message. To raise self-esteem in children, or anyone, it is important that we stop perpetuating the ‘criticize to improve’ dynamic. The trick is to reverse it. Point out your child’s strengths and natural interests and focus on those. Encourage them to explore their own interests, even if they’re not yours. By pointing out their strengths, not weaknesses, and having a different attitude about mistakes, you help them feel validated and good about themselves. Encouraging their interests helps them find their natural direction in life.

Subliminal Messages
Another way to build self-esteem is to watch the other subliminal messages you give to your child. To catch subliminal messages, look at the meaning behind the words. Many things are implied, not direct suggestions. Making them feel guilty, as a way to control, will lower self-esteem and make them fearful. We often manipulate children and loved ones by the energy behind our words. Anytime we want to manipulate someone into thinking our way or doing it our way, we are taking away their right to be who they are.

We are very aware of our parent’s expectations, even if they never verbalize them. With all loved ones, the practice becomes one of giving up expectations. If we don’t surrender our expectations, they will become subliminal messages.

The Way of the World
We are taught that everyone makes his or her own way in life, but this just isn’t true. We are all very different and unique. Our essence expresses itself as personality. Some of us sparkle. Some of us are quiet. Everyone has his or her own natural direction and purpose to fulfill for collective mankind. Call it destiny or dharma. There are powerful natural forces moving us all. Life has plans for us. We can’t do-be-have anything that takes our fancy, unless we want to be unhappy and struggle. We don’t decide exactly how our life will go. Instead we co-create with life along certain lines—living and developing the potentials that have been given to us. We have all been given more potential than we can actualize in a lifetime. How we develop our potential (or not) is up to us.

Letting your children know that they have a contribution to make and a purpose for being here validates their existence and fosters their individuality. In this way they will naturally find their path and move in the direction that is correct for them. It also helps them stay strong in their resolve when peer pressure or world thought tries to condition them away from themselves.

Praise, validation and acceptance are the things that make any person feel good. When mistakes happen, parents can still validate and accept the child instead of criticizing or punishing them. All human beings make mistakes; this is the way we learn valuable lessons we couldn’t have learned otherwise. To disapprove of someone because they made a mistake, tells them they should not have made it, and takes their valuable lessons away from them. Whenever the child makes a mistake the best response is, “What did you learn?”

We can all build self-esteem in each other. The same thing that builds self-esteem in children also builds it in our mates and everyone around us.

One Final Note
Criticizing to improve is a natural phenomena that helps us survive as a race, and is strongly present in many people. If you are critical by nature, a natural trouble-shooter, and see everything that is not perfect, or that is out of place, know that this gift belongs in your work place. Don’t use it on your loved ones. It’s not your job to fix them.